Saturday, October 19, 2013

Life is not a photo op.

I'm so glad I can live my life without having to constantly yell at people to take pictures of me so I can post them on Facebook for proof and validation.  Outings with my children are not photo opportunities.  I don't have to put a photo of myself with my children at the zoo/park/aquarium/museum and see 100 "likes" to feel as though I did the right thing by taking them on a field trip.  I can do things for my children without having to make it about myself.

I don't need your approval to feel validated.  I don't have to pose awkwardly in front of a mirror every. single. time. I buy a new outfit.  I can remember how I looked yesterday, so I can live today without taking another bathroom selfie, unless I give myself another horribly laughable accidental haircut.  I can put on a bathing suit without saying, "Oh I need to instagram this!" 

You'll occasionally see a picture of me with my kids, but I can take a picture of my children without putting myself in the middle of it.  This is why there are so many more pictures of them than of myself.

4 years ago, I made a huge oops while trimming my bangs, so I took a bathroom selfie.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

This one is sure to piss off EVERYONE. . .

Disclaimer: I do not have a problem with teachers.  Every time I mention my disdain for the public school system, a teacher has to get offended.  I dislike the system.

Don't you just love the people who are constantly posting political shit on Facebook?  I know I love them, especially the ones who put their kids on the public school bus and race to the computer to talk junk about medicaid and food stamps.  They want to get rid of all of the "government handouts" yet trust that same government to educate and care for their children.  They actually expect the same government who can't even balance a budget to balance their children's lives.  I don't get it.

On average, it costs around $11,000 per student per year to educate each American student.  Some states spend much less, and some spend way more.  But still, ELEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.  Thanks to this glorious shutdown we are experiencing, I can't produce the best links as many of our government websites are down.  Here is one.  We're spending $11,000 per kid and everyone wants to spend more, but they also want to cut spending.  I'll write more about my ideas for budget cuts later, but this one gets to me.

Long story short: I'm working from home so I can educate my children. I could be making triple my current earnings if I worked a traditional job.  My husband was working a pretty good job 3 years ago, but life happened, as well as a pretty bad accident involving partial amputation, and now that job is gone, leaving us with about half his old income.  I'm also buying all of our educational materials out of my own pocket.  Uncle Sam isn't giving my child an iPad, but then again, neither am I.  Uncle Sam isn't buying my children their textbooks, building schools, or making photocopies for me.  This is coming out of the money I could be using to pay for groceries, glasses auto repairs, clothing, or getting my cracked front teeth fixed.

I could put Kaiya in second grade at the local public school, put Ronin in the More at 4 program (rough estimate of cost here), and stick Tanith in a daycare, but I'd (theoretically) rather save the government $17,000 this year ($22,000 next year!  Over $33,000 when Tanith starts kindergarten!) and DIY.  I'll keep getting called trash and watching eyes roll when I pull out my food stamp card and I will accept a couple hundred dollars per month in help, never actually spending the full amount.  I don't plan on doing this forever, but I paid into the system my entire adult life, so I don't mind temporarily benefiting from it.


You keep putting your children on that school bus and I'll keep swiping my EBT card. When you stop accepting the handout of public education, then you can say something about my dependence. 

And before you even lift a finger to start typing a retort about the correlation between food stamps, Cadillacs and your cousin's neighbor's uncle who saw somebody buying his dogs steaks with EBT, no I don't own a frigging iPhone.


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

What does the fox say?

Nothing.  The fox says nothing.  That's what makes him sly.  He shuts up and does his foxy business.  Mister foxy fox.  Sometimes he'll bark and go all canine, but he's usually silent.  Foxy fox.

I hated Gangnam Style from the beginning.  I'm not big on youtube trends.  I'm not really big on any trends, for that matter.

Because of my knowledge, I refused to watch this video

And then it happened.  I saw it. I can never un-see the contents of this video.  I don't want them to be unseen.  I must watch it a dozen more times and I will giggle hysterically at every single sound the fox makes, from the first "ring ding ding," to the "wa pa pa pa pa pa pow," to the "hatee hatee hatee ho," and the "joff tchoff tchoffo tchoffo tchoff."  I'm actually giggling right now because I typed it.  By the time, "jacha chacha chacha chow" and "fraka kaka kaka kaka kow" roll around, there are tears on my cheeks.

I know that a ton of people hate on it because it's dance pop.  I don't dance and I hate pop, but there is something strangely hypnotic about this song.  Yes, it's ridiculous, but don't we all sometimes need a distraction?


Saturday, October 5, 2013

The underappreciated milestones


Tanith holds her first ball python.
Everyone  always oohs and ahhs over the typical milestones.  Those first steps.  First words.  First poo-splosion.

Today, at 1 year, 11 months, and 5 days, Tanith has reached a new milestone.  She now has the ability to formulate an alibi.  She poked her sister in the eye, and when I told her not to poke people in the eyes, she fell over and proclaimed, "Did no do it! I schweepan!"

It may not be a believable alibi, but it's a hilarious one.


Friday, October 4, 2013

the fanny pack is back! Week one


After several years of ridiculing fanny packs, I recently decided that they are the most awesome invention ever.  It's like adding a ton of extra pockets and making it all hands-free.  I toyed with the idea over the course of the past year and finally took the plunge when I had some swagbucks available for amazon gift cards. 
The beauty shown above arrived in the mail a few days ago.  Wednesday, I wore it all around our small town.  I got several stares along with a few whispers.  One girl, who was carrying two very large bags and a small, out-of-control child, giggled.  I like to think anyone who carries a large designer imposter purse along with a large diaper bag is lacking in common sense.  Who really needs that much stuff, anyway?  Back to the story.  She was chasing after her kid and knocked him over with her pair of bags.  Who laughed then?  The girl in the fanny pack.
Today, I wore it to do a couple of deliveries for my tattoo supply business.  I had on a seafoam green fanny pack covered in Dragonball Z buttons, cut-off jorts, Avengers T-shirt, cheesy Halloween socks, heart slide on shoes, freshly rediscovered lip piercing, Vanilla Ice on the radio, and three kids in the back of my station wagon.  I hopped out of my car and everyone took me seriously. 
Do you wear a fanny pack? Would you wear a fanny pack?  Would you like for me to add a decoration to my fanny pack?  Contact me if you would like to send a decoration for display on my fanny pack.

Halloween Costumes

Halloween used to be my favorite holiday.  Now it's inching down the list toward least favorite, thanks to my children.  In the course of one hour, I've been asked to make these costumes:
  1. Arcee
  2. Optimus Prime
  3. Megatron
  4. Bumblebee
  5. Spiderman
  6. Captain Jack Sparrow
  7. Wasp
  8. Black Widow
  9. Sarah Sanderson from Hocus Pocus
  10. Winifred Sanderson
  11. a photographer
  12. someone who goes to a lot of parties
  13. robot
  14. Queen King Diamond 
  15. gymnast 
  16. dancer 
  17. flower girl
That's for 3 kids, one of whom can't even pick a costume.  I can expect this list to keep growing until a few days before Halloween, when I will throw something together at the last minute out of pure frustration.  Everyone will hate it equally and Ronin will just wear one of the costumes he's worn most of the year.