My dogs are trying to kill me.

I have two dogs.  Pugsley is a 13 year old poodle and Alcide is a 3 year old Shepherd/Husky shelter mutt.  I think they're out to get me.  I'm always tripping over them.  It's like they see me coming with an armful of stuff and they decide to play dead on the floor so I'll trip.

This weekend, we were visiting relatives and about to leave to go home.  Pugsley jumped in the car and I thought the kids had let him out.  I also thought that my husband, Blue, had taken the keys out of the car.  I thought wrong.  I headed out to the car with my things, noticed that the dog was in the car, and saw him get excited.  He was so happy to see me that he jumped right onto the lock button. 

So what did I do?  I tried for over two hours to get him out.  I tried to coax him over to press the unlock button.  I tried using a coat hanger.  Somewhere in there, I called 911, hoping that since an animal was in danger, they would help.  They sent out animal control and later, an officer.  Neither one had any idea how to unlock a car door, so I called a locksmith who had it open in 3 minutes.  By then, my husband had to get home with his animals, so he had gone home and we had decided to stay the night so I could avoid driving 90 minutes in the dark with 3 cranky kids and 2 dogs.

Within 30 minutes, we noticed that no one had seen Alcide.  The gate was open.  I panicked.  We ran in different directions, checked under beds, tables, in closets, and I ran down the street in both directions.  I chased a deer, believing it was him.

Then my brother in law came outside and told me he'd found him.  Alcide looked at me and I swear he gave me the most mischievous dog smile I've ever seen. 

Sixth Sense

I've recently seen a few facebook conversations about how children have a sixth sense, making them prone to sensing things.  I'm starting to become a believer.

How is it that my children can sense which body part is in pain and find a way to make it hurt worse?  It has to be some sort of psychic connection.  It's like they're thinking, "Oh, your foot hurts, Mama?  Let me make sure I step on every toe to make sure I don't miss one.  You have a stomachache?  I'll just sit on your belly and be sure to jump up and elbow you a few times for good measure.  You have a massive bruise on your leg?  I'll be sure to head butt you a few times and then figure out a way to stomp on it.  Don't worry, I'll be extra cute and act surprised when you cry out in pain so you can't get angry."

A letter to my children regarding alone time

Dear Purples,
I love you kids more than life itself, but I'm going to flip out on you if I can't start getting some interrupted time to fold laundry and wash dishes. I stay up half the night to work on my ebay store and wake at six every morning so I can do these few things without having demands for milk, lip balm, toenail clippings, nursing, or questions about the dietary needs or life cycle of a wolf spider.

We spend nearly every waking hour together, and often many of our sleeping hours in the same bed, so I'm sure I can tend to these needs during the other twenty three hours of the day. I fully understand that parenting is a twenty four hour job, but I could do a much better job if I were allowed to poop alone and dress myself without being asked to explain the reproductive habits of ball pythons while you repeatedly step on my feet and demand I read the chicken book for the 179th time.

I'm not one of those moms who ditches her kids in daycare so she can get her nails and hair done. I don't have date nights. I've had one child free weekend, albeit a working weekend, in the past eight years. I just want to be able to focus silently on one thing at a time for one hour a day before sunrise while you sleep.
Please forgive me, for I am about to chug my pint of lukewarm Earl Grey before someone drops a transformer into it so that I can fold the ridiculous amount of laundry you have generated while you all simultaneously try to unfold it. 

One day you'll understand this, I'm sure.  In about ten years, I'll burst into the bathroom while you're taking a shower, throw back the curtain, and start demanding answers about things like butterfly poo, the names of the goblins in the Labyrinth, David Bowie's hair, and the manufacturing and quality control process in chocolate factories.

Love,
Your exhausted and frustrated mother

Modesty?

I've never really been a modest person.  Growing up, I wore whatever appealed to me.  I'd show up for school in a wedding dress and fairy wings, carrying a paint can.  I once showed up in a red slip covered in Christmas tree garland.  I didn't care at all.  The school secretary had my mother's work number memorized because she called about my dress code infractions so often.  I modeled for a while after graduation, and while I never really got used to wearing heels and short skirts, I could do it and look kind of comfortable.

Since then, I've changed.  I rarely wear shorts.  All of my shirts cover my middle.  I still don't care, but I'd rather not flaunt my post-partum belly and my thighs have expanded so much that I'd rather not be reminded of the vast expanse of jiggly whiteness every time I look down.  Also, I carry a lot of stuff.  You can't fit anything into the pockets on a pair of Daisy Dukes.  I also have three children whom I love dearly and am trying to set a half decent example.  I've set a few rules for my oldest two now that they are dressing themselves.

• Leggings are not pants.  They will never be pants.  If you are wearing leggings, appropriate booty cover will be used. 
• Shirts are made to cover your nipples.  If you're wearing a shirt and I can see nipples, you'd better be pretending to breastfeed or on your way to change into something that covers your nipples. 
• High heels will not be worn until you're done growing and can walk through the house without tripping over the air. 
• Your shirts will not flop carelessly off of your shoulders.  It makes you look like you're not intelligent enough to keep your clothes from falling off your body.
• Skirts are okay, but until you're no longer sitting crisscross applesauce, you're going to wear something under them.  No one wants to see your underwear, unless they're some sort of pervert.  This is where the leggings are a great thing.
• I'm raising a gaggle of gingers. Bathing suits will consist of a short sleeve rash guard top. Nearly every adult in the family has had or will have some form of skin cancer, and I'm a hundred percent certain you guys have inherited this gene. I don't care who is wearing a string bikini. You're my children and it's my job to protect you. Does anyone know how difficult it is to get sunscreen EVERYWHERE on three squirmy and impatient children? It's much easier to throw on a rash guard and do arms, legs, face.  

I'm not a prude and I'm not doing this as a religious thing to avoid "stumbling blocks" or any other bullish excuse.  I'm doing this because I'm trying to raise decent human beings who value themselves for what's inside, not for how many catcalls they get per day.

I pity the fool who thinks leggings are pants.

When did crazy become the new cancer?

I occasionally drive by a billboard like this.  "Imagine if you got blamed for having cancer."


Umm, yeah.  I can disagree with this on two levels.  While it's not your fault that you are mentally ill, you can certainly be blamed for your actions.  Cancer doesn't make you show up at my house at 2am, eating a hot dog slathered in peanut butter while dressed like Gumby, ranting about how shoelaces should be sold as singles and claiming that the government is monitoring your thoughts. 

Also, sometimes it's okay to blame someone for having cancer.  I've known people who did three tanning bed sessions per day and smoked while in the tanning bed.  If these end up with cancer, I'm pretty sure it's their own fault.

What are your thoughts on this subject?

Breastfeeding's not normal?

I've been breastfeeding for nearly eight years now.  What once seemed a bit foreign has now become second nature.  Well, not even second nature.  More like first nature? Wouldn't that just be nature?  I dont know.  Something I do without even thinking about it.  It is the most normal thing in the world to me, and especially to my children. 

While I totally get that breastfeeding is not for everyone, my children don't.  They have no tolerance for the nipple Nazis.  You know them, the people who are deathly afraid that someone will find out that I am nursing a baby and demand that I leave the room RIGHT THIS MINUTE for fear of indecency.  Not even a blanket will do.  A wall must be between a nursing mother and all other human beings for their comfort.  Even the words "breastfeeding" and "nursing" must be uttered in a hushed tone as though they are the most offensive of all curse words. Ha, utter.  That sounds like udder.  I bet they'd whisper that too.

For as long as mammals have existed, we've had mammary glands.  What is the purpose of these mammary glands on these mammals you speak of?  Lactation.  We make milk to feed our young.  This is why those things on your chest were created.  We use our feet to walk, our mouths to eat, and our boobs to nurse.  It's a body part being used as intended, and yet some people have to find a reason to be offended. 

Sure, some people find breasts to be sexual.  Some people are also aroused by feet, but I'm not giving up my Birkenstocks just because you're a pervert.  I've had gingerphiles approach me, but I'm not covering my hair for them, either. 

Ronin is 4 and has long since weaned, but he understands what makes the baby quiet.  There have been many times when Tanith has started crying and he's yelled, "Mama, Taniff neez boob!"  He saw a woman nursing a baby while shopping a few weeks ago and excitedly yelled out that the other mama was using her nipples too.

Kaiya heard that a friend of ours was taking a breastfeeding class and laughed a bit.  "That's silly.  I can teach her.  You put the baby on your lap sideways and then you pull your shirt up.  The baby bites your nipple and she gets milk.  Who doesn't get that?"  When I asked her about what happens when other people are around, "They don't need your milk!"

None of my children have ever enjoyed having a blanket thrown over their head.  It either becomes an arms-flailing get me out of here sort of moment or a game of peek a boo, and both of these situations draw much more attention than simply pulling up my shirt and latching.  I still don't understand the views of those who think it's a taboo thing that must only be done in private for fear of offending anyone.  You don't have the right not to be offended here.  If your obnoxious yapping offends me, I don't reserve the right to throw a blanket over your head and demand you only speak in a restroom.

I've recently had it brought to my attention by multiple people that women have been raped because they were nursing in public.  This is one of the most ignorant statements I've ever heard regarding breastfeeding.  Not only is it victim blaming, it's implausible, unprovable, and just plain stupid.  If you google it, you get results about breastfeeding after surviving a rape and one result of a woman raped in her apartment while nursing a baby.  I'm thinking maybe she was raped because she had a madman who wanted to rape her in her apartment, but that's just a theory.  

What are your thoughts on breastfeeding? 

What?  Nursing in front of animals?  Surely, the cobras must object!

Car Seats and Darwinism

I'm normally the first person to jump in and attempt to tactfully correct an improper car seat installation in hopes of keeping another person's child safe in the event of a collision. I've adjusted, installed, dismantled, and reassembled seats to keep children safe. I've done all of this while being compared to a Nazi soldier behind my back because I believe in the laws of physics, or "car seat propaganda" as some like to say.

I'm done. I know that children are 500% safer if you keep them rear facing until they're 35 pounds. Five hundred percent. I also know that if the straps aren't tight enough, my children could also end up flying from their seat. I honestly do not care if my toddler can't see where the car is headed or if you believe her legs are cramped. I know that I'm the one driving the car, so I don't think she'll need to navigate for me. I'd rather she had less leg room and her head didn't flip forward, breaking her tiny neck in the event of a collision.

Oh, you're too busy to read the manual, but you have time to peruse Facebook? Maybe your stupid genes don't need to be passed onto the next generation. What's that, you say? Our ancestors didn't have car seats and they turned out fine? I believe our ancestors also didn't barrel down a freeway in a steel cage going seventy miles an hour. If a parent on the Mayflower didn't attend to the safety of their child during their journey to the new world, the child fell off the boat, was eaten by sea monsters,* and that was that. If a caveman left their children unattended and the cavebabies were eaten by a tyrannosaur, their genes didn't survive.

I'm on the verge of asking our lawmakers to repeal all the car seat laws. If you're just using the seats to avoid the hassle of a traffic ticket and not to keep your child safe, you can be the ignorant cave person whose cave babies get eaten, negating your contribution to the gene pool.  Let's remove all the warning labels while we're at it.  You shouldn't need to be reminded to remove your car's windshield cover before driving.  You shouldn't need to be told that the coffee at McDonald's is hot.  If you don't know that you shouldn't use a blow dryer underwater, maybe the earth doesn't need you to breed.

*I know that neither sea monsters nor tyrannosaurs ate babies, nor did dinosaurs and humans coexist.
**This was intended as a tongue in cheek plea for proper car seat use, not as a threat to kill and eat your children. Put down the burning torch and pitchfork, townsfolk.  There is a much bigger and meaner beast in the castle up the hill with all the dancing household items.

You're not Miley Cyrus, so put your pants back on and sit down.

Everyone is tired of hearing about Miley Cyrus.  I know I've been sick of her for the past few years.  This is more about the aftermath.  I know I'm no expert about what's appropriate for kids (The Purples' favorite song is You're Gonna Go Far, Kid)  but wow.  I'd much rather tell my kids that it's not okay to say, "Dance fucker dance" than explain why it's not okay to grind on random people.  By the way, they still think Dexter is saying frogger.

What kind of person lets a kid watch Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMAs?  I ask this because I caught a younger relative in Daisy Dukes demonstrating Miley's twerking performance to my seven year old, complete with crotch grabbing, booty shaking, and the outstretched tongue of a brain damaged serpent.  My daughter stood there, looking disgusted, much like I did for a split second before I told her that we don't do this. 

Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus and their ilk have never been allowed in our house.  My children probably think a Kardashian is a breed of dog.  We'd rather watch Jurassic Park or Doctor Who than any of those Disney skanks.

I'm no helicopter parent and my children aren't exactly sheltered.  I just happen to think that certain things aren't for young eyes, especially things of a sexual nature.  My oldest two children already know more about the life cycle of reptiles than most adults, but they don't need to know how humans attract a mate.  

Why are people allowing, or even pushing, their children to mature as quickly as possible?  Let them enjoy their childhood without worrying about body weight or whether they appeal to the opposite sex.  Let them play with dolls without the intentions of it being for practice because they'll have real babies in a few years.  Let them be children, for crying out loud.  There's nothing funny about it.  There is nothing cute about an oversexualized child.  I'm not looking at this from religious viewpoint, but a common sense viewpoint.  You can't pray away a lost childhood.

Ebay Etiquette

I sell things on eBay as a way to make a living and support my children.  No, I don't want to sell your things for you on eBay.  I also don't want to explain the entire selling process to you in detail so you can sell your stuff.  There are a lot of buyers who appear to have no manners, so I feel that all buyers should read this.

• Read the listing.  This should go without saying, but I get a lot of buyers who only half-read the title if I'm lucky.  Even more don't even bother scanning over the listing and are very bothered when they receive their item with unrealistic expectations and find that it's the exact item I described six times over in the listing.
• Email the buyer before leaving negative feedback.  A lot of us will bend over backwards for you, but once you've left a negative, we're done. 
• If you email the buyer and don't receive an immediate response, wait 48 hours.  This is standard eBay policy.  We sellers are actual humans with lives.  Many of us have children or other jobs.  Most of us don't sit in front of the computer all day, waiting for your emails.  
• Emailing us seven times in a row with progressively angrier messages won't get you anywhere, especially if we're not around to view these messages.  See above.
• Things often get lost or damaged in the mail.  If you check the tracking and it says that I took it to the post office, it's out of my hands and I can't possibly control what happens  Many sellers will ship your item again if it was lost without insurance  I did not hijack a mail truck so I could steal back your nine dollar can of H2Ocean spray.  I'm not sitting behind my computer, greedily rubbing my hands together, hoping to con you out of a few bucks.  Most eBay store owners are trying to run an honest business.  We wouldn't have an eBay store if we were ripping everyone off.
• If you're going to leave a negative feedback because were too lazy to read the item listing, please make sure to include as many expletives as the tiny space will allow.  This makes feedback removal much easier for the seller.
• Many sellers will accept lower offers on their product.  Please be reasonable when making an offer.  Don't offer $3.00 for an item that sells for $129.00, unless you like when buyers laugh at you.  Also, don't get butthurt when a seller rejects your offer or sends a higher counteroffer.  We're not selling products to you as a hobby.  We're trying to make a profit here and can't do that if we accept every offer that gets sent.
• Most of us accept returns.  Read the return information before clicking on the buy or bid buttons.  It will save us both a lot of headache.  Most sellers require buyers to return items IN THEIR ORIGINAL CONDITION in order to give a refund, so if you used your entire bottle of H2Ocean and then asked for a return, you're out of luck.
• By all means, please ask reasonable questions about the item.  Read the item's description first, and if you don't have all of the information you desire, ask questions.  Most sellers are happy to answer questions from buyers.
• Pay for your item!  You were obviously interested in purchasing this item, because you clicked "buy it now" and entered your password.  Pay for it so you can receive it. Sellers have to pay fees on each item sold, whether or not the buyer actually had to pay for it.  If you don't pay for it, don't be surprised when you get an unpaid item reminder.
• If you bought by accident or changed your mind, contact the seller and they'll start the cancellation process.  They'll get a fee credit and you won't get a strike.
• Check your address to make sure it's accurate before you buy the item.  Most sellers aren't psychic and therefore don't know that you have moved five states away from your previous address.

That's all I've got for now.  If you can think of something I missed, let me know in the comments section.  Now you can go and buy my stuff!