When did crazy become the new cancer?

I occasionally drive by a billboard like this.  "Imagine if you got blamed for having cancer."


Umm, yeah.  I can disagree with this on two levels.  While it's not your fault that you are mentally ill, you can certainly be blamed for your actions.  Cancer doesn't make you show up at my house at 2am, eating a hot dog slathered in peanut butter while dressed like Gumby, ranting about how shoelaces should be sold as singles and claiming that the government is monitoring your thoughts. 

Also, sometimes it's okay to blame someone for having cancer.  I've known people who did three tanning bed sessions per day and smoked while in the tanning bed.  If these end up with cancer, I'm pretty sure it's their own fault.

What are your thoughts on this subject?

Breastfeeding's not normal?

I've been breastfeeding for nearly eight years now.  What once seemed a bit foreign has now become second nature.  Well, not even second nature.  More like first nature? Wouldn't that just be nature?  I dont know.  Something I do without even thinking about it.  It is the most normal thing in the world to me, and especially to my children. 

While I totally get that breastfeeding is not for everyone, my children don't.  They have no tolerance for the nipple Nazis.  You know them, the people who are deathly afraid that someone will find out that I am nursing a baby and demand that I leave the room RIGHT THIS MINUTE for fear of indecency.  Not even a blanket will do.  A wall must be between a nursing mother and all other human beings for their comfort.  Even the words "breastfeeding" and "nursing" must be uttered in a hushed tone as though they are the most offensive of all curse words. Ha, utter.  That sounds like udder.  I bet they'd whisper that too.

For as long as mammals have existed, we've had mammary glands.  What is the purpose of these mammary glands on these mammals you speak of?  Lactation.  We make milk to feed our young.  This is why those things on your chest were created.  We use our feet to walk, our mouths to eat, and our boobs to nurse.  It's a body part being used as intended, and yet some people have to find a reason to be offended. 

Sure, some people find breasts to be sexual.  Some people are also aroused by feet, but I'm not giving up my Birkenstocks just because you're a pervert.  I've had gingerphiles approach me, but I'm not covering my hair for them, either. 

Ronin is 4 and has long since weaned, but he understands what makes the baby quiet.  There have been many times when Tanith has started crying and he's yelled, "Mama, Taniff neez boob!"  He saw a woman nursing a baby while shopping a few weeks ago and excitedly yelled out that the other mama was using her nipples too.

Kaiya heard that a friend of ours was taking a breastfeeding class and laughed a bit.  "That's silly.  I can teach her.  You put the baby on your lap sideways and then you pull your shirt up.  The baby bites your nipple and she gets milk.  Who doesn't get that?"  When I asked her about what happens when other people are around, "They don't need your milk!"

None of my children have ever enjoyed having a blanket thrown over their head.  It either becomes an arms-flailing get me out of here sort of moment or a game of peek a boo, and both of these situations draw much more attention than simply pulling up my shirt and latching.  I still don't understand the views of those who think it's a taboo thing that must only be done in private for fear of offending anyone.  You don't have the right not to be offended here.  If your obnoxious yapping offends me, I don't reserve the right to throw a blanket over your head and demand you only speak in a restroom.

I've recently had it brought to my attention by multiple people that women have been raped because they were nursing in public.  This is one of the most ignorant statements I've ever heard regarding breastfeeding.  Not only is it victim blaming, it's implausible, unprovable, and just plain stupid.  If you google it, you get results about breastfeeding after surviving a rape and one result of a woman raped in her apartment while nursing a baby.  I'm thinking maybe she was raped because she had a madman who wanted to rape her in her apartment, but that's just a theory.  

What are your thoughts on breastfeeding? 

What?  Nursing in front of animals?  Surely, the cobras must object!

Car Seats and Darwinism

I'm normally the first person to jump in and attempt to tactfully correct an improper car seat installation in hopes of keeping another person's child safe in the event of a collision. I've adjusted, installed, dismantled, and reassembled seats to keep children safe. I've done all of this while being compared to a Nazi soldier behind my back because I believe in the laws of physics, or "car seat propaganda" as some like to say.

I'm done. I know that children are 500% safer if you keep them rear facing until they're 35 pounds. Five hundred percent. I also know that if the straps aren't tight enough, my children could also end up flying from their seat. I honestly do not care if my toddler can't see where the car is headed or if you believe her legs are cramped. I know that I'm the one driving the car, so I don't think she'll need to navigate for me. I'd rather she had less leg room and her head didn't flip forward, breaking her tiny neck in the event of a collision.

Oh, you're too busy to read the manual, but you have time to peruse Facebook? Maybe your stupid genes don't need to be passed onto the next generation. What's that, you say? Our ancestors didn't have car seats and they turned out fine? I believe our ancestors also didn't barrel down a freeway in a steel cage going seventy miles an hour. If a parent on the Mayflower didn't attend to the safety of their child during their journey to the new world, the child fell off the boat, was eaten by sea monsters,* and that was that. If a caveman left their children unattended and the cavebabies were eaten by a tyrannosaur, their genes didn't survive.

I'm on the verge of asking our lawmakers to repeal all the car seat laws. If you're just using the seats to avoid the hassle of a traffic ticket and not to keep your child safe, you can be the ignorant cave person whose cave babies get eaten, negating your contribution to the gene pool.  Let's remove all the warning labels while we're at it.  You shouldn't need to be reminded to remove your car's windshield cover before driving.  You shouldn't need to be told that the coffee at McDonald's is hot.  If you don't know that you shouldn't use a blow dryer underwater, maybe the earth doesn't need you to breed.

*I know that neither sea monsters nor tyrannosaurs ate babies, nor did dinosaurs and humans coexist.
**This was intended as a tongue in cheek plea for proper car seat use, not as a threat to kill and eat your children. Put down the burning torch and pitchfork, townsfolk.  There is a much bigger and meaner beast in the castle up the hill with all the dancing household items.

You're not Miley Cyrus, so put your pants back on and sit down.

Everyone is tired of hearing about Miley Cyrus.  I know I've been sick of her for the past few years.  This is more about the aftermath.  I know I'm no expert about what's appropriate for kids (The Purples' favorite song is You're Gonna Go Far, Kid)  but wow.  I'd much rather tell my kids that it's not okay to say, "Dance fucker dance" than explain why it's not okay to grind on random people.  By the way, they still think Dexter is saying frogger.

What kind of person lets a kid watch Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMAs?  I ask this because I caught a younger relative in Daisy Dukes demonstrating Miley's twerking performance to my seven year old, complete with crotch grabbing, booty shaking, and the outstretched tongue of a brain damaged serpent.  My daughter stood there, looking disgusted, much like I did for a split second before I told her that we don't do this. 

Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus and their ilk have never been allowed in our house.  My children probably think a Kardashian is a breed of dog.  We'd rather watch Jurassic Park or Doctor Who than any of those Disney skanks.

I'm no helicopter parent and my children aren't exactly sheltered.  I just happen to think that certain things aren't for young eyes, especially things of a sexual nature.  My oldest two children already know more about the life cycle of reptiles than most adults, but they don't need to know how humans attract a mate.  

Why are people allowing, or even pushing, their children to mature as quickly as possible?  Let them enjoy their childhood without worrying about body weight or whether they appeal to the opposite sex.  Let them play with dolls without the intentions of it being for practice because they'll have real babies in a few years.  Let them be children, for crying out loud.  There's nothing funny about it.  There is nothing cute about an oversexualized child.  I'm not looking at this from religious viewpoint, but a common sense viewpoint.  You can't pray away a lost childhood.

Ebay Etiquette

I sell things on eBay as a way to make a living and support my children.  No, I don't want to sell your things for you on eBay.  I also don't want to explain the entire selling process to you in detail so you can sell your stuff.  There are a lot of buyers who appear to have no manners, so I feel that all buyers should read this.

• Read the listing.  This should go without saying, but I get a lot of buyers who only half-read the title if I'm lucky.  Even more don't even bother scanning over the listing and are very bothered when they receive their item with unrealistic expectations and find that it's the exact item I described six times over in the listing.
• Email the buyer before leaving negative feedback.  A lot of us will bend over backwards for you, but once you've left a negative, we're done. 
• If you email the buyer and don't receive an immediate response, wait 48 hours.  This is standard eBay policy.  We sellers are actual humans with lives.  Many of us have children or other jobs.  Most of us don't sit in front of the computer all day, waiting for your emails.  
• Emailing us seven times in a row with progressively angrier messages won't get you anywhere, especially if we're not around to view these messages.  See above.
• Things often get lost or damaged in the mail.  If you check the tracking and it says that I took it to the post office, it's out of my hands and I can't possibly control what happens  Many sellers will ship your item again if it was lost without insurance  I did not hijack a mail truck so I could steal back your nine dollar can of H2Ocean spray.  I'm not sitting behind my computer, greedily rubbing my hands together, hoping to con you out of a few bucks.  Most eBay store owners are trying to run an honest business.  We wouldn't have an eBay store if we were ripping everyone off.
• If you're going to leave a negative feedback because were too lazy to read the item listing, please make sure to include as many expletives as the tiny space will allow.  This makes feedback removal much easier for the seller.
• Many sellers will accept lower offers on their product.  Please be reasonable when making an offer.  Don't offer $3.00 for an item that sells for $129.00, unless you like when buyers laugh at you.  Also, don't get butthurt when a seller rejects your offer or sends a higher counteroffer.  We're not selling products to you as a hobby.  We're trying to make a profit here and can't do that if we accept every offer that gets sent.
• Most of us accept returns.  Read the return information before clicking on the buy or bid buttons.  It will save us both a lot of headache.  Most sellers require buyers to return items IN THEIR ORIGINAL CONDITION in order to give a refund, so if you used your entire bottle of H2Ocean and then asked for a return, you're out of luck.
• By all means, please ask reasonable questions about the item.  Read the item's description first, and if you don't have all of the information you desire, ask questions.  Most sellers are happy to answer questions from buyers.
• Pay for your item!  You were obviously interested in purchasing this item, because you clicked "buy it now" and entered your password.  Pay for it so you can receive it. Sellers have to pay fees on each item sold, whether or not the buyer actually had to pay for it.  If you don't pay for it, don't be surprised when you get an unpaid item reminder.
• If you bought by accident or changed your mind, contact the seller and they'll start the cancellation process.  They'll get a fee credit and you won't get a strike.
• Check your address to make sure it's accurate before you buy the item.  Most sellers aren't psychic and therefore don't know that you have moved five states away from your previous address.

That's all I've got for now.  If you can think of something I missed, let me know in the comments section.  Now you can go and buy my stuff!

Reptile Show Etiquette

We attend a lot of reptile shows and often take our children along.  Someone asked my husband for advice on attending reptile shows, and here is his (edited) advice.

• Take your time to make the rounds. It can be a lot to see for a first timer. You don't want to miss anything. Maybe bring a camera.  Asking before you take pictures is the nice thing to do
• Use hand sanitizer. Many tables will have some available for public use, but it's still good to bring your own.
• Some of these animals are rare and high end. Do not be offended if you are denied when you ask to hold one, especially if the one you ask to hold has a price tag consisting of 3 digits or more.
• No ball jokes. That is more played out than a preschool jungle gym.
• Bringing the family is great. Bringing your family pet is not. Unless it's for sale or trade and has already been approved by the vendor, please leave animals at home.
• Refrain from impulse buys. I could write a book on this one, but the best way to put it: a cheap $20 Nile monitor will cost you hundreds of dollars in caging and thousands in food before it's all said and done.  If you're lucky, maybe you'll even get an emergency room bill for some stitches.
• Asking questions and sharing experiences is great, but remember these folks have two days to get business done, so try not to keep them too long if a crowd is forming around the table.
• If you're bringing a child, keeping tabs on them is a good idea.  If you can't keep your child from running about, crawling under tables, and annoying everyone in sight, a leash or electric cattle prod might be a wise investment.  
• Don't argue with or correct a vendor.  They're behind the table, so more than likely, they know more than you.  Even if you know more than them, you're not getting a discount for arguing. 
• Haggling is a good way to make everyone hate you. 
• It's okay to be afraid of things, but it's not okay to act like a jerk.  This is a reptile show.   Snakes are reptiles.  If you're afraid of snakes, keep it to yourself or stay at home. 

That's all I have for now, but if you see something that should be added to the list, post it below.  We'll be at the ICExpo next weekend, so stop by and see us. 

Blaze, my 7 year old's albino red tail.

I had a little dog . . .

But I'm a cheapskate and don't like to take him to get groomed every month.  Sometimes it gets to be a few months between haircuts and Pugsley starts to look less like a poodle and more like a giant dirty walking cotton ball.  Sometimes I'll trim his hair myself, do a horrible job, and swear I'll never do it again.  Until next time.

Over the weekend, I was mildly intoxicated and decided I wanted him to be pretty and white and fluffy again.   I started on his face with a pair of scissors, thinking I was just going to trim a bit so he could see until I got him to a groomer during the week.  It looked nice, at least in my intoxicated mind, so I thought it would be a good idea to keep going.  I have about 4 sets of clippers left from my days in the hair salon and keep one reserved for dog hair, so I grabbed that set and a bag of dog treats.  "I'll just trim a bit down from all over and leave his tail nice and fluffy," I thought.  The clippers disagreed with a, "Nnnnnnnnrrrrrrrrrfffffff," as they became entangled with mounds of fluff.  I stopped for a moment to clear the tangle and got back to work.  I was halfway there, with his back looking nice and short and soft.  All I had to do was get his belly and legs, then I'd be done and could bathe him.  All of the rest would blend together afterwards and he'd look wonderful!

"Nnnnnnnnnrrrffffffftttttt."  The clippers sputtered their dying breath as I begged them to keep going.  I gave up, did a bit of touching up with the scissors, and thought again that he would look fine after everything blended together after a good shampoo.

It didn't.  As you can see, it looked far from great.  What do I do now?  Let it grow back?  Take him to a new groomer and claim he's a stray?  Blame my children?  I can't say he did it himself, can I?  Plenty of parents tried to pull that one on me, but unlike a child, the dog can't snitch.  Dogs aren't capable of cutting their own hair, either.  In the words of my cosmetology teacher all those years ago, "It'll blend.  It'll blend."