This one is sure to piss off EVERYONE. . .

Disclaimer: I do not have a problem with teachers.  Every time I mention my disdain for the public school system, a teacher has to get offended.  I dislike the system.

Don't you just love the people who are constantly posting political shit on Facebook?  I know I love them, especially the ones who put their kids on the public school bus and race to the computer to talk junk about medicaid and food stamps.  They want to get rid of all of the "government handouts" yet trust that same government to educate and care for their children.  They actually expect the same government who can't even balance a budget to balance their children's lives.  I don't get it.

On average, it costs around $11,000 per student per year to educate each American student.  Some states spend much less, and some spend way more.  But still, ELEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.  Thanks to this glorious shutdown we are experiencing, I can't produce the best links as many of our government websites are down.  Here is one.  We're spending $11,000 per kid and everyone wants to spend more, but they also want to cut spending.  I'll write more about my ideas for budget cuts later, but this one gets to me.

Long story short: I'm working from home so I can educate my children. I could be making triple my current earnings if I worked a traditional job.  My husband was working a pretty good job 3 years ago, but life happened, as well as a pretty bad accident involving partial amputation, and now that job is gone, leaving us with about half his old income.  I'm also buying all of our educational materials out of my own pocket.  Uncle Sam isn't giving my child an iPad, but then again, neither am I.  Uncle Sam isn't buying my children their textbooks, building schools, or making photocopies for me.  This is coming out of the money I could be using to pay for groceries, glasses auto repairs, clothing, or getting my cracked front teeth fixed.

I could put Kaiya in second grade at the local public school, put Ronin in the More at 4 program (rough estimate of cost here), and stick Tanith in a daycare, but I'd (theoretically) rather save the government $17,000 this year ($22,000 next year!  Over $33,000 when Tanith starts kindergarten!) and DIY.  I'll keep getting called trash and watching eyes roll when I pull out my food stamp card and I will accept a couple hundred dollars per month in help, never actually spending the full amount.  I don't plan on doing this forever, but I paid into the system my entire adult life, so I don't mind temporarily benefiting from it.


You keep putting your children on that school bus and I'll keep swiping my EBT card. When you stop accepting the handout of public education, then you can say something about my dependence. 

And before you even lift a finger to start typing a retort about the correlation between food stamps, Cadillacs and your cousin's neighbor's uncle who saw somebody buying his dogs steaks with EBT, no I don't own a frigging iPhone.

Car Seats and Darwinism

I'm normally the first person to jump in and attempt to tactfully correct an improper car seat installation in hopes of keeping another person's child safe in the event of a collision. I've adjusted, installed, dismantled, and reassembled seats to keep children safe. I've done all of this while being compared to a Nazi soldier behind my back because I believe in the laws of physics, or "car seat propaganda" as some like to say.

I'm done. I know that children are 500% safer if you keep them rear facing until they're 35 pounds. Five hundred percent. I also know that if the straps aren't tight enough, my children could also end up flying from their seat. I honestly do not care if my toddler can't see where the car is headed or if you believe her legs are cramped. I know that I'm the one driving the car, so I don't think she'll need to navigate for me. I'd rather she had less leg room and her head didn't flip forward, breaking her tiny neck in the event of a collision.

Oh, you're too busy to read the manual, but you have time to peruse Facebook? Maybe your stupid genes don't need to be passed onto the next generation. What's that, you say? Our ancestors didn't have car seats and they turned out fine? I believe our ancestors also didn't barrel down a freeway in a steel cage going seventy miles an hour. If a parent on the Mayflower didn't attend to the safety of their child during their journey to the new world, the child fell off the boat, was eaten by sea monsters,* and that was that. If a caveman left their children unattended and the cavebabies were eaten by a tyrannosaur, their genes didn't survive.

I'm on the verge of asking our lawmakers to repeal all the car seat laws. If you're just using the seats to avoid the hassle of a traffic ticket and not to keep your child safe, you can be the ignorant cave person whose cave babies get eaten, negating your contribution to the gene pool.  Let's remove all the warning labels while we're at it.  You shouldn't need to be reminded to remove your car's windshield cover before driving.  You shouldn't need to be told that the coffee at McDonald's is hot.  If you don't know that you shouldn't use a blow dryer underwater, maybe the earth doesn't need you to breed.

*I know that neither sea monsters nor tyrannosaurs ate babies, nor did dinosaurs and humans coexist.
**This was intended as a tongue in cheek plea for proper car seat use, not as a threat to kill and eat your children. Put down the burning torch and pitchfork, townsfolk.  There is a much bigger and meaner beast in the castle up the hill with all the dancing household items.

You're not Miley Cyrus, so put your pants back on and sit down.

Everyone is tired of hearing about Miley Cyrus.  I know I've been sick of her for the past few years.  This is more about the aftermath.  I know I'm no expert about what's appropriate for kids (The Purples' favorite song is You're Gonna Go Far, Kid)  but wow.  I'd much rather tell my kids that it's not okay to say, "Dance fucker dance" than explain why it's not okay to grind on random people.  By the way, they still think Dexter is saying frogger.

What kind of person lets a kid watch Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMAs?  I ask this because I caught a younger relative in Daisy Dukes demonstrating Miley's twerking performance to my seven year old, complete with crotch grabbing, booty shaking, and the outstretched tongue of a brain damaged serpent.  My daughter stood there, looking disgusted, much like I did for a split second before I told her that we don't do this. 

Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus and their ilk have never been allowed in our house.  My children probably think a Kardashian is a breed of dog.  We'd rather watch Jurassic Park or Doctor Who than any of those Disney skanks.

I'm no helicopter parent and my children aren't exactly sheltered.  I just happen to think that certain things aren't for young eyes, especially things of a sexual nature.  My oldest two children already know more about the life cycle of reptiles than most adults, but they don't need to know how humans attract a mate.  

Why are people allowing, or even pushing, their children to mature as quickly as possible?  Let them enjoy their childhood without worrying about body weight or whether they appeal to the opposite sex.  Let them play with dolls without the intentions of it being for practice because they'll have real babies in a few years.  Let them be children, for crying out loud.  There's nothing funny about it.  There is nothing cute about an oversexualized child.  I'm not looking at this from religious viewpoint, but a common sense viewpoint.  You can't pray away a lost childhood.

Facebook

When I was younger, the internet was my escape.  I could go there and no one knew me.  None of my classmates, no one in my family, and none of my neighbors knew me.  I wasn't doing anything really wrong.  Just general mischief, message boards, napster, AOL cerver, and trolling.  It was great, unless you remember the sounds of the old 56k modem, all-night CD download times, and the fact that it cut off every time the phone rang.  Almost everyone you encountered online was literate, intelligent, and capable of a good debate.  Back then, everybody was afraid I was being stalked by Captain Howdy and anyone with a computer was a secret sex fiend, out to ensnare a 16 year old girl who carried a paint can.  Thank you very much, Strangeland.

Now, everybody is on the internet, regardless of literacy levels.  It can be a great thing, but at the same time, EVERYBODY IS ON THE INTERNET!  My parents are on craigslist buying vehicles, my kids are on PBS kids playing games, and great grandmas are setting up facebook profiles.  It's gone from a place where I was separate from everyone and everything to a place where everyone can find me.

I can't post about beer and burritos on Facebook without someone telling my parents.  Someone alerts my family if I mention using a power tool.  I'm almost thirty!
This brings me to the fact that I can find you guys, too.  I have 330 friends on Facebook, which pales in comparison to some, but it's enough for me.  Most of them are people I know and value in real life, but a good deal of these people are just online train wrecks.  I keep them around for when I feel like my life isn't so good and need a reason to smile.  That's my inner troll coming out.  If you have a Facebook, you have at least one friend who constantly posts about how horrible their life is and how it's not their fault, but you can trace the events leading to their current condition.  Oh no, you just had your third baby and have no idea who the dad is?  It couldn't be related to the drunken, half-naked party pictures you posted 9 months ago, proclaiming the fact that you were on the prowl!  The person who posts photos of their drug use and then laments the fact that they got sacked from their job after a drug test always entertains me, as does the single girl who takes relationship advice from Taylor Swift.

This is me around the time I discovered the internet.

Homeschool Rant #3: school fundraisers

See those buttons to the right of the page where you can donate a dollar or a penny or a million dollars?  They're not mandatory at all, yet I still catch crap about them.

"You mean you want me to give you money to educate your kids?  Shouldn't that be your responsibility?"

Yes, but I'm constantly being inundated with requests to buy cookie dough, books, bags, delicious doughnuts, candles, candy, raffle tickets, carbonated beverages, and other random crap from your public school child.  Save the soup labels, box tops, and cut the corners off the pancake mix for my child's school!  Doesn't my tax money help pay for their education? 

With our fundraiser, you can get some original one of a kind artwork and maybe even the story behind it.  Or not.  And I'm not going to send my kids over to your house with puppy dog eyes and an order form attached to a clipboard. 

We're going the cheapest route possible, not buying a set curriculum, getting everything used, planning to re-use the same learning materials between children, and DIYing whenever possible, but the first few years can get a little expensive (not to mention stressful) for most homeschooling parents.  Sure, I could do it all myself and put everything together on my own.  I tried that, and between my jobs, three kids, and the actual act of educating the children, I started going a little batty.  A person can only handle so much before she starts thinking about ways to put a saddle on the mutt and using him to raise the children.

And now for the gratuitous cuteness:

 

Homeschool Rant #2

Homeschool kids are weird.  It's true.  If you start typing "homeschool kids are," it pops up.  If Google says something, it has to be true.  Right?

Oh, I see.  So you've met someone who was homeschooled.  They were weird.  That means that all homeschoolers are weird, right?  Of course.

I've met a lot of public schooled children who were ignorant little selfish twits.  That must mean that all public schoolers are ignorant little selfish twits. 

Harsh generalizations are. . . well, harsh.  For lack of a better word, they're harsh.  

My kids are weird.  Not because they're homeschooled, but because they're mine.  I'm weird.  By your standards, at least.  

Cafe Press has some pretty funny stuff down there, you know.
 

Homeschool rant #1

This will be the first of a long series of homeschool rants.

Why do people feel the need to weigh in on homeschool's effect on the social development of my children?  Maybe I think your child is an insufferable brat, but I keep my mouth shut.  I don't blame public school for their faults. 

Sure, my oldest child is shy.  Kaiya has always been shy, but she's started to overcome it since she left kindergarten.  She approaches other children and plays with them now.  She's not being forced to socialize with rabid little beasts who seem to have been raised by wolves and then left outside to catch the bus.

Ronin's only four, so not of schooling age yet, but people still blame homeschool for his tendencies.  He seems to be acting a lot like a four year old boy at the moment.  Ronin learns best when he's not sitting still.  Last year, I was attempting to teach Kaiya to tell time, I showed her a clock and asked for the time.  He breezed by on his way to the playroom and yelled over his shoulder that it was "tooelf o'cwock".  What the crap, man?  He was 3 and I hadn't even worked on numbers past 10 with him at that point.  He's the type of child who simply cannot sit still and learn.

I went to public school.  What's my excuse for being socially awkward?

Ronin is an expert!

My son, Ronin, cannot keep his hand out of his pants. He turned three a couple of days ago and he is absolutely fascinated by his penis. I’ve even resorted to telling him he was going to pull it off if he kept playing with it. His favorite response? “I’m a peenish exputt.” My guess is that he must be working on his doctorate.

I’ve been trying to encourage potty learning for almost a year. It’s not that I don’t know what I’m doing. My oldest was using the potty all day every day around her second birthday. Ronin just has no interest in it. Please don’t give me potty advice; I’ve probably tried every trick in the book this year. And DON’T tell me to put Cheerios in the toilet. We did that one time and when I turned my head to see what the 5 year old was yelling about, HE ATE THEM!

What really bothers me is when condescending relatives feel the need to tell me that so and so’s kid is using the potty, but it’s okay because not all children are as smart as others. WHAT? Ronin knows more about animals than most adults, but Snotty McSnotHead’s son is smarter than mine because he can poop where he is told?  My dogs can do that, but they can’t name all of the trains from Thomas and Friends.