You're not Miley Cyrus, so put your pants back on and sit down.

Everyone is tired of hearing about Miley Cyrus.  I know I've been sick of her for the past few years.  This is more about the aftermath.  I know I'm no expert about what's appropriate for kids (The Purples' favorite song is You're Gonna Go Far, Kid)  but wow.  I'd much rather tell my kids that it's not okay to say, "Dance fucker dance" than explain why it's not okay to grind on random people.  By the way, they still think Dexter is saying frogger.

What kind of person lets a kid watch Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMAs?  I ask this because I caught a younger relative in Daisy Dukes demonstrating Miley's twerking performance to my seven year old, complete with crotch grabbing, booty shaking, and the outstretched tongue of a brain damaged serpent.  My daughter stood there, looking disgusted, much like I did for a split second before I told her that we don't do this. 

Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus and their ilk have never been allowed in our house.  My children probably think a Kardashian is a breed of dog.  We'd rather watch Jurassic Park or Doctor Who than any of those Disney skanks.

I'm no helicopter parent and my children aren't exactly sheltered.  I just happen to think that certain things aren't for young eyes, especially things of a sexual nature.  My oldest two children already know more about the life cycle of reptiles than most adults, but they don't need to know how humans attract a mate.  

Why are people allowing, or even pushing, their children to mature as quickly as possible?  Let them enjoy their childhood without worrying about body weight or whether they appeal to the opposite sex.  Let them play with dolls without the intentions of it being for practice because they'll have real babies in a few years.  Let them be children, for crying out loud.  There's nothing funny about it.  There is nothing cute about an oversexualized child.  I'm not looking at this from religious viewpoint, but a common sense viewpoint.  You can't pray away a lost childhood.

What's with all the skinny hate?

Every time I log into Facebook, I see where someone shared some sort of post about curvy girls.  I get to read about how curvy girls are better, or how only dogs like bones, or how skinny girls have to starve themselves, or that I'm just a skinny bitch.  I can't count the number of times I've been told I should go eat a cheeseburger/sandwich/etc.  Skinny girls have feelings too!

I hate the times when people try to pretend that Marilyn Monroe was plus-sized.  Seriously, look at her pictures.  You can see collarbones and sometimes even ribs.  According to her dressmaker, her measurements were usually around 35-22-35.  I get called a skinny bitch, but my waist has never been anywhere near that 22 inch mark, even when I was modeling.  People have claimed that she was a size 16.  Sizes were different 50 years ago, but she still wasn't exactly able to wear clothes off the rack. 

I'm sick of it.  Sure, mainstream media is biased and prefers thin, blonde, and rich.  Instead of just complaining and posting stuff on facebook putting someone else down to make yourself feel better, why don't you put down the fashion magazine?  Why don't you turn off the TV if you're so tired of all of the thin actresses?  If you hate the skinnies, then why are you trying to diet and be one?  Don't tell me it's societal pressure; you're trying to rebel against that same societal pressure by spreading the skinny hate.

It's okay for you to say, "Real Women Have Curves" or "Real men like curves; only dogs like bones" but it's not okay for me to say it loud that I'm thin and proud?  You can call me a skinny bitch, but if I call anyone a fatass, I'm a horrible person and need to shut my mouth because it's a condition and not their fault.  I don't go around calling people fatasses, but if I wanted to, I would still censor myself.  I can find much meaner things to say about people I want to put down than just the obvious appearance things.  If I don't like you, it's for a real reason, not just your appearance.

Real women come in all shapes and sizes.  You can be a size zero or a size 24 and still be a real woman.

Screw you guys and your whole "real women have curves" movement.  My real body has made and nourished three children. 

You don't get more real than that.

Homeschool Rant #3: school fundraisers

See those buttons to the right of the page where you can donate a dollar or a penny or a million dollars?  They're not mandatory at all, yet I still catch crap about them.

"You mean you want me to give you money to educate your kids?  Shouldn't that be your responsibility?"

Yes, but I'm constantly being inundated with requests to buy cookie dough, books, bags, delicious doughnuts, candles, candy, raffle tickets, carbonated beverages, and other random crap from your public school child.  Save the soup labels, box tops, and cut the corners off the pancake mix for my child's school!  Doesn't my tax money help pay for their education? 

With our fundraiser, you can get some original one of a kind artwork and maybe even the story behind it.  Or not.  And I'm not going to send my kids over to your house with puppy dog eyes and an order form attached to a clipboard. 

We're going the cheapest route possible, not buying a set curriculum, getting everything used, planning to re-use the same learning materials between children, and DIYing whenever possible, but the first few years can get a little expensive (not to mention stressful) for most homeschooling parents.  Sure, I could do it all myself and put everything together on my own.  I tried that, and between my jobs, three kids, and the actual act of educating the children, I started going a little batty.  A person can only handle so much before she starts thinking about ways to put a saddle on the mutt and using him to raise the children.

And now for the gratuitous cuteness:

 

Homeschool Rant #2

Homeschool kids are weird.  It's true.  If you start typing "homeschool kids are," it pops up.  If Google says something, it has to be true.  Right?

Oh, I see.  So you've met someone who was homeschooled.  They were weird.  That means that all homeschoolers are weird, right?  Of course.

I've met a lot of public schooled children who were ignorant little selfish twits.  That must mean that all public schoolers are ignorant little selfish twits. 

Harsh generalizations are. . . well, harsh.  For lack of a better word, they're harsh.  

My kids are weird.  Not because they're homeschooled, but because they're mine.  I'm weird.  By your standards, at least.  

Cafe Press has some pretty funny stuff down there, you know.
 

Homeschool rant #1

This will be the first of a long series of homeschool rants.

Why do people feel the need to weigh in on homeschool's effect on the social development of my children?  Maybe I think your child is an insufferable brat, but I keep my mouth shut.  I don't blame public school for their faults. 

Sure, my oldest child is shy.  Kaiya has always been shy, but she's started to overcome it since she left kindergarten.  She approaches other children and plays with them now.  She's not being forced to socialize with rabid little beasts who seem to have been raised by wolves and then left outside to catch the bus.

Ronin's only four, so not of schooling age yet, but people still blame homeschool for his tendencies.  He seems to be acting a lot like a four year old boy at the moment.  Ronin learns best when he's not sitting still.  Last year, I was attempting to teach Kaiya to tell time, I showed her a clock and asked for the time.  He breezed by on his way to the playroom and yelled over his shoulder that it was "tooelf o'cwock".  What the crap, man?  He was 3 and I hadn't even worked on numbers past 10 with him at that point.  He's the type of child who simply cannot sit still and learn.

I went to public school.  What's my excuse for being socially awkward?

trichotillomania

I think I've found reason number 242 why we should homeschool. Kaiya brought home yet another bad habit to add to the others she's picked up this year. She's pulling out her hair. Another girl in her class told her that she should pull it out while holding her breath. What the crap? First the bossiness, then the lies, hitting, the eye rolling, the table manners, ignoring instructions, language. I agreed to send her to public school for the social skills and it's like they've all disappeared and I'm now raising a monkey. I need to go figure out how to hide the short patches in her beautiful waist length red hair. If I cut it off, it will be reason number 242 why family members hate me.