When they grow up . . .

Ronin is 6 and has declared that he will live in this house forever. He will never learn to drive, ride a bicycle, or have children and we are never allowed to move. He does want his own chameleon and scorpion farm.

Tanith is 3 and has already decided that she will take 15 other people's kids. Some will be babies and some will be children. They will never grow up. I'm genuinely worried about that one.

Kaiya is 9 and will travel to Australia to assist them in ridding themselves of the feral cat population, armed with a rifle and bow and arrow. She is very passionate about Australia's indigenous species being hunted to extinction and believes that an army of ALF clones could also do the job. I think we may have a more militant Bindi Irwin on our hands with this one.

Breaking up is Hard to Do. . .

I've had unexplained issues with my health on and off for my whole life.  When I finally got insurance a few months back, I went to a doctor and practically begged for allergy testing.  He pretty much just laughed in my face and went on about his business.  What a waste of an hour.

I got into a very minor accident and had some pain a couple of months ago and I went to a regular follow up about nagging back pain. I had a new PA who asked about my health history and suggested a blood test for gluten allergy and a referral to a specialist.  I seriously doubted there would be any result since going gluten free a few years back did little to help me.

I was wrong.  I received the phone call on a Tuesday afternoon with results showing I had a definite gluten allergy.  I have celiac disease.  I'm still new at this and unfamiliar with the terms, but a nurse who glimpsed my chart yesterday said my antibody levels were alarmingly high.

How can I have celiac disease?  How can I be allergic to wheat?  I live to eat.  I love to bake.  I've finally perfected my bread recipe!  My cinnamon rolls are out of this world.  Food is my best friend and this is the worst breakup I've ever experienced.  Everywhere I turn, there are foods I can't eat.

I was so angry at first.  How could I have gone 31 years without knowing this?  Why didn't anyone listen 12 years ago when my health took a nosedive?

My next thought was my children.  Celiac disease is genetic.  What if they're like me?  They have each shown some of my various symptoms on occasion.  I took my terrified three to the pediatrician on Monday and found out the news yesterday.

All three have different degrees of dairy allergy (Huh? I wasn't even worried about dairy!) and my three year old has a gluten allergy.

It's hard to find out you have an autoimmune disorder as an adult, but do you know what's harder?  Finding out your toddler has it too.  For now, I'm banning all dairy and wheat-containing products from our home.  I've got to go through the whole house now and scrub it everything down before researching or getting rid of all personal care items.  Toothpaste!  Lipstick! Medications! Vitamins!  Toss all the things!  What if someone ate a sandwich and then touched this?  Could it trigger a reaction?  I don't want to find out.

Our newest addition

It's been a while since I've updated, hasn't it?  I've been busy with our newest addition.  We recently added to our family and adopted a bouncing little 375-month old, 170 pound, 72 inch bundle of joy in a dirty NOFX shirt.  No, really, my best friend in the universe moved into my office.  I thought it would be great that a third adult was moving in, but it's become pretty evident that he's just as much of a playmate for the kids as a spare adult for Robby and me. What?  An adult to read comics to the kids and be the bad guy in their Nerf battles?  Mike can reach the candy box AND name all the characters from Star Wars!  He can operate the dishwasher AND handle Transformer directions!  This is awesome.

I know that there are some naysayers out there.  Screw you guys.  I spend several hours a day giggling about old jokes and quoting Labyrinth, so I'm loving this living situation.

What else has changed in the last two months?  Not much.  It's really freaking cold outside.  I tried a new mayonnaise at Whole Foods and it was life-changing.  Sir Kensington, you certainly earned that title.  The latest episode of Walking Dead was the most boring episode they've aired.  We're planning a trip to Atlanta for the Dixie Reptile Show.  Coffee is still gross.

Tanith's New 'Do: Part One

I have long hair.  The husband has long hair.  My daughters have long, beautiful red hair. The boy has a mullety floppy mohawk.  We've never had any real issues with the kids cutting their own hair, other than a tiny snip with each child.  Until today.

I was working on supper and Kaiya put a nice wooden turtle hairbow in Tanith's hair.  Tanith and I both agreed that she looked pretty, but she wanted to look extra pretty.  She walked into the dining room where her siblings played and exclaimed, "I'm even prettier!  My hair is prettier!"

I guess this means she's taller than I thought.  She somehow managed to reach the scissors over 4 feet in the air without help and did this:

I must say that I'm proud of the way I held my temper.  I didn't yell.  I didn't scream.  I didn't cry.  I explained very calmly that I was a little disappointed and that we were going to have to cut off her long beautiful hair.

Now I have to choose what haircut we'll give her.  I could do a little pixie cut or the dreadful short pageboy bob I always hated to give little girls.  Maybe a bob with a Padawan rattail?  A few of us have agreed that a good punishment would be a mullet.  Kaiya and her dad are both in on that one.  It'll be perfect for our Christmas pictures.  Suggestions?  I'm giving myself until tomorrow to cool down on this one since all three kids need haircuts.

Caffeine

I don't drink coffee.  I still find myself thinking that it's for grown ups.  It tastes like dirt, even when you mix in other stuff.  Coffee with caramel just tastes like dirty candy. I don't need any of that mochafroufroulattegranderalphmachhiato crap.  I drink tea.  How can you mess up tea? It's been around since at least the third century AD without needing fancy names.  Sure, it tastes better out of a fancy cup, but that's beside the point.

What annoys me most about coffee is that every time I have a house guest, they ask if I have coffee.  I'm always nice enough to have at least instant coffee in my tea cabinet, but I don't own a coffee maker. Most of my guests then sigh and give me a disgusted look. What the crap? I inflated my best air mattress for you, fed you, AND I kept my kids and/or pets off of you long enough for you to sleep. I see no point in bringing yet another small appliance into my house that I have no intention of using. Expecting me to own a coffee maker is like if I went to your house and got pissed because you don't own a KitchenAid mixer for me to make cookies.  "Gah, I can't go a day without cookies.  How can you live without cookies?"

I want my caffeine fix and I want it without having to pay five dollars and sound out a bunch of words someone picked out of a hat to make us look dumb.  This is probably why I've never consumed anything from Starbucks.  Even my fancy expensive Amazonian Runa tea (have you had that stuff?  It's amazeballs, by the by) costs less than five dollars for 16 cups.

Maybe I'm just cheap, half awake, and babbling until my tea takes effect.  I'll probably read though this after I'm fully awake and realize that it makes no sense.  If that happens, I'll delete this and no one will read it, so I may as well stop typing.

Almonds have nipples?

I'm allergic to dairy.  I suddenly developed an allergy when I was 19 and my doctor at the time couldn't figure out what was going on with me.  We did a few thousand dollars worth of tests until I ran out of money, but it never crossed anyone's mind to do an allergy test.  I figured it out through an elimination diet a couple of years ago and things have been a bit easier for me ever since.  Some consider this a simple intolerance, but it's not just lactose.  Even Lactaid caused issues with me.  We'll find out for sure in a few weeks when my insurance kicks in and I can go to a doctor for the first time in years.

When I say it's made my life a bit easier, I mean I have to scrutinize every morsel of food before devouring it.  Eating home-cooked meals made by someone else can be quite hellish.  I'm not being snobby; I'm trying to be polite by not allowing my bowels to explode all over your guest bathroom.

I have found a lot of dairy alternatives.  I don't particularly like soy milk.  Almond milk is a little bitter and coconut milk is a bit too sweet.  Dream Blend's Cashew Almond Hazelnut is my favorite.  Of all the things made with bovine bodily fluids, I miss cheese the most.  Some fake cheeses are like powdered salty cardboard, but I've found Daiya has a few tasty alternatives.  I like ordering a slice of the vegan pizza at Whole Foods (when they have it) and asking them to add some bacon or pepperoni.

Coconut milk yogurt is fabulous.  It's ridiculously expensive, but it's tasty as hell.  Oh, and some of those non-dairy frozen desserts that closely resemble ice cream are scrumdiddlyumptious.

I still haven't found a decent boxed mac and cheese mix that's edible without mixing in other foods to disguise the flavor.  Throw some suggestions at me, folks.  I'm at the point where I'd club a baby seal to get that cheesy goodness.

And now for one about the oldest child. . .

So it turns out that my blog has found a few new readers, even my husband.  He brought it to my attention that I haven't blogged about our oldest child, Kaiya, lately.  It's not that I don't love her as much or pay her as much attention.  She just doesn't do as many off-the-wall things as the other two.  There's enough weird in her to match them, though.

Kaiya is a very logical kid.  She puts a lot of thought into everything and often over-thinks the small stuff. She's always been this way.

One of our favorite movies is Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  No, not Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with Johnny Depp.  The original, well as original as you can get when you base something on a book.  The one with the one and only Gene Wilder. That dude is a genius, but as you can see, I'm drifting off topic.  She saw the Oompa Loompas for what had to be the hundredth time and she heard Willy Wonka explaining the tragedies of Loompaland, with the horrible Hornswogglers and Vermicious Knids.  As this scene played out I noticed that Kaiya's gears were turning.  She needed to know if the Oompa Loompas were a real tribe.  We've learned a lot about gene mutations, such as the blue people of Kentucky and even our favorite genetic mutation, red hair, so she had to know if there really was a race of orange-skinned, green-haired people.  She brought up the fact that some people fake-tan their skin until it takes on an orange hue and wondered if they were trying to imitate Mr. Wonka's favorite employees.  I assured her that no, Loompaland was not a real place on Earth.

She asked if I was sure.  Since then, she has googled Loompaland.

Ronin also inquired about those mysterious inhabitants of the candy factory, but that's another blog post.